GIBBERISH

At this moment

2006-06-14T16:54:00.000-07:00

Prash: So, how do u feel?
Myself staring at a BIG box of ice cream: I feel like the ice cream; correction- I feel like the cherries in it
After a while,
Myself: Heck, is it snowing inside the room? I remember that it did on TV today morning when I was trying to watch the French Open Women’s Finals
The clock ticks on….
Myself: Prash, I just noticed something…why is there a time delay between me wanting to take a leak and the actual occurrence of this event?
And then I begin to narrate the story of a defeated king who is inspired by a spider…trying to climb this web, falling almost everytime until finally it succeeds…
Hey Prash , the moral of the story is “Try till you succeed” but don’t you think that this is stupid? What if the insect tore its ligament like how you did a few years ago?…that seems to be a more logical explanation at this moment….
Make a note of the phrase “at this moment”…that’s the key basically
“And hey, you must tell me who is better – the movie Phir Hera Pheri that we watched or this great soul sitting in front of you….
All the while, the room is resounding with laughter….
There was something else that I never said…that I felt like Gautam Buddha with his head suddenly shaved off….
Now, I am fully aware that this is shit to most people and doesn’t make any sense, but to those who can relate to even a wee bit of this and who can infer what “this moment” refers to, it does make sense. Who cares about the rest, they aren’t worth knowing anyways...and thanks Prash,once again....I owe it all to you(pun intended)

The H(e??)aven a.k.a SCOB 184 a.k.a my lab

2006-06-09T11:12:00.000-07:00

Bloke A : I like to address him as Mr. Clean Freak. Over 30 years of age and still single. 1000% committed to his “research” and his ambition is to make it into a BIG lab where science is THE word. Nerdy to a fault and is not ashamed to disclose that he judges people on the basis of how clean their nails are. A cleanliness freak and a Phileas Fogg in the making. The problem is, that he expects the world to be like him and everyone around him must be as ordered and disciplined as he is. Otherwise he turns his head away. A walking encyclopedia and can talk about anything for hours and hours together. Claims that he was in love when he was younger but it isn’t hard to imagine why it never got beyond a certain extent. Has an uncanny resemblance to a crocodile and every time he embarks on his monologue delivery, I am reminded of one such amphibian opening and shutting its mouth incessantly while it flaps its disgusting tail.
Bloke B: Meddlesome and irritating, simply has to poke his nose into everything and sometimes squeeze in his whole BIG egghead into everyone else’s lives. Gossip is the most exciting thing in his life and he has to give away that free advice that he for some weird reason considers invaluable. Spends more time staring at other people’s monitors than his own.
Bloke C: A steam engine- smokes like a chimney. Huffs and puffs his way through every damn place…even the laboratory, which is supposed to be rid of microbes and dust. Changes his shirt once a week and his pants once in two weeks…never zips them though. Gets his wife to cut his hair since he cant afford to spend so much on a hair cut but owns a sprawling bungalow. Doesnt care if he is seen poking his nose or if he stinks a mile. Keeps all his knowledge to himself and probably feels insecure sharing it. Watching Chinese porn, sneezing into his shirt and proudly wearing his wife’s shirts are his favorite past times.
Bloke D: Mr. gentle and soft-spoken. Is completely ineffective in enforcing even an ounce of order which is what he is supposed to do. Rattles off stories about his kids biting him or kicking him or getting punished by being sent to their room early, all day. Solving cross word puzzles and getting stuff signed are the only other things he does.
Mademoiselle 1: Curt and gifted with a caustic tongue. A tom boy. A health freak and lives in the gym. If anyone is struggling with anything she concludes that they are stupid and don’t deserve to be there. Hates kids and will never have them. The female counterpart of Mr. Cleanliness Freak. The only jewellery that ever adorns her is 3 ear rings and a camel bone necklace. Imagine my surprise when I smelt nail polish in her vicinity..Oh no…she uses it for her AFM and hates wearing it or anyone wearing it for that matter.
Mademoiselle 2 : A mother hen who wants to help solve everyone’s troubles. Wants to bond with everyone she meets and share her experiences with them. Has interesting stories to tell thanks to her life in two totally different countries- Iran and France. Loves wine, cigarettes, perfumes, her daughter and good sex ( well who doesn’t) Has taken it upon herself lately, to convince me to be “good”.
Mademoiselle 3; Married in her teens…takes pride in discussing her three ex-bfs who are all now homosexual, her husband who for some reason is a sweet little kid and the various methods of birth control that she uses. Loves cooking for this better half character and this is her dumb world. She has buckets of fluid stored in her tear glands that are let out at the slightest opportunity. Can chat non stop for hours together and with anyone.
Mademoiselle 4: yours truly
The Ring Master: Casual, laid back, nonchalant character with a wizard brain and the knack of grabbing all the grant money that he lays his hands upon. SUPER optimistic and there are 2 five letter words that matter to him- PAPER & MONEY. Doesn’t care if you exist except when he remembers that you do and that happens once in a blue moon. Professionally and personally, lives in disarray; is more scared of you than you are of him.
All of these characters coexist at this place which is known officially as “SCOB 184”
And this, my friends is my second home; it shall be so for half a decade.
Last but not the least, there is this external force that gives that extra impetus and makes all the difference. Now, my poor physicist father is sure to get shocked to see the good use I am putting his subject to. "It" is totally unrelated to all this and yet a part of everything I do. I have no clue When Where Why and How it all happened (That is the title of a book on history which made me fall in love with the subject overnight)
I have to give it to everyone of them though; for all that I have learnt from each person. Life would have been so uneventful without all this.

Life in two baskets

2006-05-18T19:54:00.000-07:00

I am never fond of sci-fi movies but there is something interesting about a few of them. Most of them don’t make too much of sense, but I tend to draw my own analogies out of them. An example would be the consideration that everything I have seen and felt and probably will do so later on is classified into two categories. I sort them and place them into two baskets- one I call “the surreal” and the other I call “the real”. The only connection between both of them is my mind. If I can succeed in mentally keeping both of these disjoint, life is hassle free. And if I ever do conquer the surreal, I will probably be “the one”. Life is like a witch, an enchantress, a sorceress; enticing one to believe that the evanescent sensation of happiness and bliss will last forever. The illusion can never last long, the bubble has to break simply because it is way too perfect. And when it does, it takes away all the lovely things that it brought along. There are times when every ounce of strength that you think you possess has suddenly dissolved away. Where is that smile on the face and that beautiful song that dwelt in the heart? It takes away the “you” that you were…so far. The capability to feel anything anymore is gone and shall probably never return with the same fervor. So powerful is this sensation of Love, that it engulfs even those who have never been capable of expressing any emotions at all. And to them, letting it go is a curse, a misery; a degenerative disease that will just destroy them. Sadism indeed it is, because the same experience makes you aware of how intense your emotions could be and snatches it away from you. Shells are built all around oneself and the past is locked up safe in the Pandora’s Box which is all that the heart shall function as from now on. Too much or too little of anything never does any good but who cares any longer? Memories are sealed and words shall never be spoken. To be true to your heart and to care is just pointless. Especially, when what was once next to godliness has now been shunned and disregarded. But then, when there is darkness – it cannot last forever. Dawn shall bless us someday.

The daughter of a whore

2006-05-09T21:24:00.001-07:00

My sorrow,my joy, my only love, my everything, she was
A heavenly nymph with eyes that shone like the stars
I could not watch her become another me
Helpless, I knew that I had to set her free
The clock ticked away incessantly
Bastards!they would come for her mercilessly
The dawn would drag her into this infernal world
Oh no! she was too pristine to be sold
The world is too bad for you I told her
O my little princess,please forgive your mother
But you shall never have a life of shame
Wretched and lowly, with a tainted name
In my arms she lay as she breathed her last
as she journeyed into the heavens past
A fatherless daughter of a whore
My darling, my angel
and then she was no more

three hours of grandeur

2006-05-05T14:51:00.000-07:00

From a dirty shabby room piled with books and clothes ( exams being the relevant excuse at this time of the year), the ambience was suddenly transformed into sheer lavishness and grandiosity. We were supposedly attending a memorial lecture for the Alzheimer's AARC Consortum at the Ritz Carlton, Phoenix. We spent 5 minutes going round in circles in order to find a convenient parking spot and figured that these guys had only "valet parking". My coulleague commented that the guy who did it for us probably never saw such a car before. Breakfast was perfect- croissants,fruit, juice and coffee. The lecture was technically disapoointing evidently because it had to cater to lots of non-scientists and non-researchers in the audience. Each one of us dutifuly procured a copy of the schedules, the writing paper with the Hotel's name stamped on it. The ballroom was where this was happening and the paintings and the decorations distracted me from time to time. The restrooms had towels as against the usual cheaper option that is common elsewhere!. Lunch was a sumptous meal. I had someone behind me all the time to take care of all that i would need. People were at their formal best and i realised that i was the only person in jeans. Thank God that i had worn a shirt instead of one of my t-shirts and slippers instead of my canvas shoes. A lot of big names and big people in neuroscience research were present and i spent most of my time making a mental note of their faces even as my coulleague pointed them out to me. The speaker also pointed out that the problem i will be working on for my thesis, has the largest amount of money pumped in from pharmaceutical industries; the only difference being that they are looking at conventional methods to develope their drug while i am using something that is quite different. My PhD mentor leaned across from his seat and said- so how does it feel to know that what you are working on is one of the most important issues being addressed in Alzheimer's Research?! All i could manage was a broad smile and something stupid that i mumbled.....
All in all a very inspiring experience.....hope i get to present a poster at some such place and maybe that way i will be able to interact with all the big brains of neuroscience.

Those ugly fears in my head

2006-04-24T21:48:00.000-07:00

A fabulous evening it was, as we walked along the beach. The wind was kissing the tall green blades of grass and the water shimmered under the evening sun. It was warm and lovely – he said. I longed to agree with him. I felt cold and I could sense the tension build up inside me. My heart was throbbing and the fear was unbearable. Oh how I wished I could speak about the way I felt. The ignominy weighed me down as always. I tried to listen, but he seemed so distant. Even as he made my head rest on his knee, I could feel the wetness on my forehead. It all came back to me in a flash. The faces of the men who had cornered me. I had watched helplessly as my best friend in school fled for her life. I could not blame her.How could I forget the rough hands, the cruel faces and the harsh lips all over me. The dark corridor in school which I always feared. My relentless screams had probably saved me but I had struggled to fight the feeling of shame and disgust ever since.And now, I felt his hands softly caress my face and I looked into his tender eyes even as they became bigger and bigger and bigger….untill the moment when I could feel his breath on my lips…I began to whimper and tremble….i had to break free…..i scrambled back onto my feet and began running…..i had no strength…..i could never succeed in fighting the fear……..a few feet away from the water I heard the shouting and I looked back to see his face even as his hands gripped me.I felt the soft and comforting words soothe me. I knew not how long I stayed. But I remember the feeling as the pain left me…to be gone forever….as all that I had suppressed began to flow…I remember the night that had given me hope…the first time that I had ever wished to see the sun rise and feel its warmth on my skin. I had fought them and won; I was at last rid of those ugly fears in my head.

Those Big Evenings

2006-04-20T15:45:00.000-07:00

Its been more than four years since i was awarded the Aditya Birla Scholarship. Two days back, i received an email from Corporate Communications at The Aditya Birla Group, asking if i could be present for an Alumni meet at Mumbai. I remembered this person because she was extremely sweet and one of the very few people who did not show the "Oh poor bitisian things - why did they even come? these JEE top rank prodigies will jus squash you" attitude.
It all began with this little chit of paper slipped under my door sometime in Aug 2001. Stated that i must meet "gsu" regarding these scholarships. I never went because i was mortally scared of him and i was sure that it was some mistake. Indu dragged me along the next time, and we figured that this was something BIG. The forms came and the essays were written. I spoke about the olympiads, IGCAR and what i wanted to do. And then it was forgotten;totally cast aside. I wasnteven supposed to be eligible because it was meant for toppers and the professors decided to send all the state toppers. They had to have 20 and it so happened that there were only 17. They decided to pick the highest rank in Chemical, Civil and Mechanical Engineering and i happened to be the one in chemical engg. Until then i was damn confused with the decision i had taken because i knew i could have done a EEE if i wanted to. I dont think i gave it a second thought ever since. After about a month, three girls from BITS were chosen for the next round. Our warden so happy that she almost hugged us.
We had tickets on the Rajdhaani to Bombay and lived in a three star hotel. Our interviews took place in a room at the Taj, overlooking the beach and the Gateway of India. Grandeur is what i lived in, for two days. The delineation between us and the rest was distinctly seen. For some reason, we were less endowed ( ahem! no pun intended) and were cast aside. The schedules said IIT and IIM .....they were not modified to include the fact that BITS was participating. We felt stupid to say the least. The interview itself was one of its kind. Illustrious people...not one not two, four of them. Director general CSIR, Director BARC and two others. I was pissing in my pants. The woman who escorted me was the person representing the Birla Group and was just making sure that things werent going too technical. Twenty minutes later I walked out dazed. I had talked about Brain Drain, the quit india movement, Cloning and the united states preventing a lot of it from happening, Stem Cells, Darwins theory and giraffes with long necks, Entropy, what was common and different between a scientist and an artist, if i would be able to balance a family and a career and kalpakkam. Two hours later, when all three of our names were called, we felt like kicking every other person's behind. The dinner was a strain and so were all the formalities the next day. But a wonderful experience.
All notice boards in pilani had a copy of our photograph in the newspapers, and i got to meet the Director in person thanks to this. Some bastard claimed i sweet talked my way through it. Fuck him...and four and a half years later i remember every microsecond of those 36 hours....I went back two years later for an alumni meet and this was more fun. I stayed at the Taj just after the blasts at the Gateway of India. Lavish is the only word i can think of. The best moment was when my dad called up and said that the Director BARC spoke to him and congradulated him on my winning the scholarship....and of course the fact that it lifted a HUGE financial burden off his head......The Fulton Fellowship thing that i received at ASU seemed quite similar and was thoroughly an enjoyable experience as well. And oh...i still hold a four year ole grudge against a person whom i claim was too egoistic to acknowledge my presence on the day of the interviews in Bombay.

Once upon a time....

2006-04-05T20:41:00.000-07:00

Year 2004....Pilani.....Vidya Vihar....Meera Marg....old dirty gates....MEERA BHAVAN...enter the abode of Isadora...the gift of Isis........kinda ironic that the hostel has a divine pristine name- Meera Bhavan...quite misleading.About 500 young women dwell in the older blocks while 400 others live in the newer 7,8 and 9 blocks
The first block to the left as one enters". 12 rooms on either side ..6 + 6 facing each other and two floors.....so 48 in total....every 12 rooms forms the 'wing'. After much ado and battles in the Hostel Mess, allotments were made and yours truly inhabits one of the 12 rooms on one side of the block-room number 1221(first floor). Our "wing"was mostly composed of illads and the gults....
2nd week of Jan....Tue morning 7 pm....everyone snores away to glory.....1224 is up a little early since she has the fixation that she has to bathe even if it is freezing outside....the daily tutorials are scheduled for 8 am.....1222 is up as well....early bird....when it is too cold to step outside, she plays her morning quota of tennis by trying to kill a blister fly in her room....
if u reside in Meera Bhavan you have to be aware of a few things
The dangerous blister fly that buzzes around all the time....if it stings you it can cause a painful blister that will bother you for almost a week
Bee hives in block 9
The legend of a girl being murdered in the old block
The warden M.Bans...she bangs...she sure does

At 7.40 doors open in quick succession....groggy swollen eyes....plastic mug in one hand and a tooth brush in another....u can see a group huddled around the only two sinks....a sq cm of space for urself is lucky....face wash is the other commodity that always accompanies the tooth brush....1204 is right opposite 1221 and is home to a lass who is trying to study MMS - Master of management studies...nah...we like to call it master of masturbation and sex....lazy professors they had....no tutorials..so this creature has never seen 8 am on a day when the temp outside is zero degrees celsius....she snores on...blissfully unaware of all that is happening...
good mornings are constantly interrupted by noises which sound like an approaching tsunami wave....a sign that the flushes still function....no official training to learn how to use it...you jus get used to it...basically yank the rope and look up at the huge dirty metal tank....the cobwebs and the huge lizard make ur adrenaline rise and you use ur entire weight to hang on to the rope....finally the "tsunami arrival" sounds indicate that u have succeeded in your endeavour

graduating to the next stage...
change into a pair of jeans and some t shirt which is clean....layers of clothes...sweaters or a jacket , gloves, a cap, socks and shoes....run down two stairs at a time into the mess....a HUGE line and u see ppl up...fresh like a flower..scary! ....foreheads smeared with kumkum or chandan....some others eating and glancing at their books...last minute ghoting..never helps...you struggle to remember the process control stuff dat u tried to cram up after 11 pm- which is when gates closed the previous nite....shaking ur head u stand in the line...grab the piece of burnt toast...a glass of horrid coffee....the butter is of course rock solid...the ritual that follows is placing the toast with the butter on the stainless steel glass containing the coffee....it melts in a few seconds thanks to the hot coffee and u can spread it to some extent....gobble it and gulp down the coffee....grab the keys ....the hunt begins....like looking for a needle in a haystack...finally u succeed in locating your bike and even if it has flat tires ...u pedal with all ur might.....its foggy and the bell saves the day...lazy bastards walking right in the middle of the roads wont even budge otherwise....as the siren is heard, yours truly makes a valiant attempt to sprint the last 100 yards...water on the ground....slip slip slip....wham!!!!!!! she lands on the ground....screws her back and the tutorial....independent events of course....

i simply loved it

Twilight trash

2006-03-15T17:56:00.001-08:00

As the title must have already hinted...this falls into the category of bull shit....one of my esteemed batchmates mentioned that one must either dazzle the audience with his brilliance or baffle them with his bull shit.......jus popped up in my head because of the word bull shit...train of thoughts eh?well basically i had absolutely no enthu to say or do anything after long hours in the lab....its disconcerting that after all that i did there is nothing really conclusive and no actual outcome.....its all nice to be this mighty brainy professor and conjure up a novel method to isolate a therapeutic....how the hell do u accomplish that? in your mind, sequences form and proteins appear out of nowhere....the bloody damn process is so complicated....and you just say ok i will make blah blah blah grow and this will happen blah blah....and hey! it isnt that easy....especially when your working with 10 microlitres of stuff...more than half of which has this black skeleton printed on its bottle saying....biohazardous...carcinogenic....mutagen!!!! a very good incentive....Everything you use looks the same....a white sticky thick turbid liquid...could be bacteria, could be virus, could be one of those darned chemicals....and you pour hundreds of these things into an 1.5 ml tube....thats the max volume u will ever work with....and cross your fingers hoping that everything is ok....and so, that is what i have been doing for a while now.....including today of course! inspite of all this, today was the best....i did obtain something;though may be only i would call it a result.... still, i could see bands on the gel....i mean things didnt disappear or clear out like yesterday- something that no one had ever seen before...untill of course, yours truly took up the spatula and the test tubes and made an attempt to perform the experiments;i succeeding in perplexing everyone!!
Unlike that, today,there was something to see and interpret and say ok this happened because of this......sadly i was performing the experiment for someone else!my labmate just reminded me that its spring break....huh! time when i break my head probably....some sadists these professors are...the monday after my break is the D-Day...a presentation of the "work" i have done so far at our group meeting.....and 2 assginments for two courses....the sweet guy that this other professor is...he told us that the assignment would be long and not very easy coz its spring break!!!!!!hey if this is just an excuse to trick us into more work, then i dont want a spring break.... i didnt ask for one.....nothing like a nice hot bath and listening to some of my favourite music....a walk in the rain...meaningless chats with my pals....doodling.....sleeping in late....no dish washing.....idlis with coconut chutney....if someone has followed these words so far....im sorry..i did warn you that this is meaningless....
Curtains- The End

Words

2006-03-03T00:40:00.000-08:00

Something that i have always wanted to say -

"If my words ever hurt you then I'd wanna go back in time and mend the mistakes I make"

I forgot the name of the guy who said this...but still ....they make the desired impact i guess and here is my own contribution....

I love to see the crescent on your face
But never the frown or the horrid grimace
I despise myself for the words i utter
for they are always cruel,acrid and bitter

The Land of the Free

2006-03-02T20:15:00.000-08:00

Oh how fortunate you must be
To live in the land of the free-quoth he
Nay, my friend it is never what it seems
It is not all sugar and candy, as in your dreams

Eight months of drudgery
Aspiration has been the death of me
I laugh at the teeming millions who follow
Tricked into leading a life that is so foreign and hollow

Ironic it is indeed that now I yearn
For something that my money shall never earn
That which had forever dwelt in my heart
Until such a time when I chose to part

Pain is a curse thine prayers shall bring as a blessing
Sardonic indeed are His ways of redeeming
Pleasure is in this wretched pain, I say to thee
This is but the only way into the world that is truly free

i wanna be the one to know

2006-02-27T17:39:00.000-08:00

Rivers of sorrow
Where once the tears did flow
Now a heart so frozen and cold like ice
Fighting to let go of the reprise
I beg you to open up, but in vain
Urging you to share and halve your pain
As I walk, I see yet another shadow
My hand outstretched, I want to say that I will never let go
Speechless, I see the turmoil in your eyes
And I can sense the apprehension rise
Let the darkness merge
Let the emotions surge
As your soul is revived once more
I want to be the one to know
Rivers of sorrow
where once the tears did flow

The Concert

2006-02-25T11:22:00.000-08:00

I heard about it in the most disrepespectful manner….an orkut scrap!!!!!!!ya…just said dat sanjay is singing tomorrow at ASU and u better land up at so and so place blah blah blah……only then did I realize how ignorant I had been…..my association with music began almost ever since I was born….my mom would have me on her lap while her “vaadiyaar” taught her music….she hosted her guru every week….and he would make me sit on his lap and enjoy listening to me rattling off lyrics of all the songs that he taught……I wonder how he did not feel humiliated or insulted listening to me rendering the famous compositions of stalwarts like tyagaraja and dikshithar in my own sweet way….he always used to say that he enjoyed the way in which I “narrated” the songs….i promptly joined music classes at the age of 4……and this was to continue for another 10 years…..every concert every event …..my parents would be there….they had this awesome collection of songs too…...i turned a blind eye to most of these once I was in secondary school. The practice sessions etc slowly diminished… so much so that they happened only if there was a power cut and I had nothing better to do!!!!My mom was quite disturbed and offended thanks to the audacity with which I refused to comply to her numerous requests to listen to my voice…..it was “bold and beautiful”….and she could never understand why I was so dispassionate about it…..i continued to be so ..even in college…when I refused to even audition to join the club for classical music and dance namely “Raagamalika”. I went the first time and flunked it….mebbe that was another reason why I never went again….my friend would come down every semester just before the auditions; she was a very active member and wanted me to join the club….but I would just not do it……yesterday’s concert was a wonderful experience….contrary to my usual indifference, I actually enjoyed the soul rendering music….i could relate to it …every second of it….i could indentify almost all the ragas…..one of them..none of my other friends could recognize…..I knew some of the songs that he sang…most of them were on siva and in tamil( that was when I realized it was mahasivaratri) and the “gult” that I am, I would have been happier if he would have sung some of saint tyagaraja’s krithis…..but still, I cannot forget the lilting raagamalika that captured the audience……hamsadhwani,saveri,kapi and so many ragas….even before we figured what they were…he would switch to the next one…amazing control….he practically played with the swaras…the RTP just transported me to a different world altogether…..I am happy I decided to be there after all….

i shall always love u

2006-02-21T17:31:00.000-08:00

As I watch you walk away from me
There is just one thing that I wish to say
That I shall always love you
With the freshness of the roses so red and lilies so blue

I ask if I can hold you one last time
but I know that you will not hear me anymore
please let me kiss you goodbye
why is it dat I feel im drowning; even when im on the shore

You made me laugh
you made me cry
You made me want to live
Now you make me want to die

I need you to walk by my side
Oh my love! don’t desert me, you don’t have to go
Like old times, I wish I could stroke your hair
And wake up next to u, to see the morning sun glow

There is just one thing that I wish to say
That I shall always love you
With the freshness of the roses so red and lilies so blue

i have to let you go

2006-02-17T19:23:00.000-08:00

Its been one of the worst days of my life- I knew that I would be bad at this…I am ashamed to learn that I cannot just forget things….I just cant let you go away…..You have stood by me all through my life….the only faithful companion that I had…watched every single moment…have been behind every single thing that I did in the past…..It is so hard to just cut you off like this….but if this is it….so be it…I will have to let you go….i know that wherever you are…you are there with a purpose and I respect that….i dread meeting people for they are sure going to prod me and ask me why everything has changed….i wonder if this is going to be that conspicuous………..
Well mebbe it is…especially since I have been identified with hair that was 15 inches long all through my life!!!!!!!Long tresses just above my knees till I was in school and hair that came upto my waist until a few hours ago…was pretty easy for people to spot me too…..but rather than being a useless exhibit that just attracts unwanted(?) attention, I am sure that the cancer patient who gets it would make good use of it….its a nice feeling…and I wish I could do this more often….

i dont have a heading for this one

2006-02-12T18:56:00.000-08:00

What lies beneath
Is not what appears to be
for, what really is
is never what you see

thou art wrong if you think
that you know it all through
since every moment you spend
you learn something new

Strange it is indeed
To encounter the vagaries of life
Just when u think that the day brings the end
The magical night helps you revive

dreams and reality

2006-02-07T13:32:00.001-08:00

For many, it is a place to flee from and for several others it now brings misfortune- the huge tidal waves and the tempests always take away the lives of millions. But to me,the sea is always a dream. The horizon seems unreachable and so far away,and I love to think of life as an attempt to get nearer to it…where the sea and sky blend into one another..where differences will dissolve and everything inside me is unified into a supreme serenity; where even sorrow,grief and pain shall converge into strength and make me smile. As I said always, the sea was where I could find tranquility juxtaposed with tempestousness……. I would love to walk on the wet sands…leaving footprints in the sand. With the cool fresh sea breeze on my face, I dream of sauntering along the shores while carrying out an aimless conversation, conscious of the lovely sensation as I let the chill winds play with my hair and make it dance.I see the eagles far above circling me as if mocking at me that I can never have the perspective that they have.A few metres away…the catamarans anchored….emaciated,gaunt and tired human forms smiling as they glance into their fishing nets –at their booty….content…as they walk into their huts to feed their families. Little kids playing with the shells in the sands. The vendor with his dirty oil lamp desperately trying to sell me his overcooked peanuts. It is a very ordinary scene and yet so strikingly simple and that in itself makes it exquisite.
The snoring behind me jolts me back to my present. Strange that now I feel I need it to put me to sleep. A look askance brings my cell phone into view telling me that this is indeed a dream –as always. I see walls around me. The ambience is no more fresh, natural and so full of energy. I trudge on hard cement and see buildings all around me. It’s the hi-tech world. Everything I see around me feels foreign. Life is so fast that I just get a glimpse of things for a fleeting moment. Everything here is evanescent. Speed kills. It kills the beauty that I long to discover in all that I see. The simple and happy people have been replaced by weird esoteric hypocritical souls. Landscapes have changed and old skins have to be shed. But in all this, there are a few priceless moments that shall remain. The selfless love in my mother’s eyes as she bade me goodbye…my sister’s innocent affection when she would hug me every single morning when I was at home…the odd phone calls my friend makes to narrate all her weird experiences….my paints, my books, my music, my diary, my room, the solitude, my thoughts, my space, my self……This is an ode to my true companions…I am happy that I have discovered them at last.

This might seem a lil out of place…but this is the best birthday wish I had-
The beauty of humans lies in the change which occurs within them. It is called metamorphosis. The reason why Butterflies are nice is coz they still have that soft caterpillar's heart.....Same way, I hope that this year you become a butterfly with pretty colored wings but with the same soft heart that you always had....

non stop nonsense

2006-02-02T19:42:00.000-08:00

attachment is dangerous...i cannot even count the number of times i have repeated this....to people around me ....neither can i forget how hard i have attempted to remind myself of this phrase.....its lame...datz what i realised...
Untill recently i would always wonder why my lab-mate was so weird n distant...he has this nonchalant dispassionate attitude towards anything and everything....the discussion happened because another guy was leaving coz he got a job...and i realised dat my labmate had lost 2 ppl he loved the most...his mother and his fiancee...his mother succumbed to her illness while his fiancee battles an incurable disease....so what can he say when someone asked him if one must get attached or not? he jus laughs it off....and says- datz what makes us human....

go away
i say to everything
to the bees dat buzz
to the birds that chirp
to the flowers that blossom
to the world dat sucks
to the people that hurt
urnt gonna be there all the time
u will be gone
when the need arises
so why this false pretense?

RA

2006-01-31T17:03:00.000-08:00

its a nice feeling i admit..i mean it makes not much of a difference to me when i hear dat i am an RA ...its like nothing to RA is defy smthing and from a TA to an RA isnt dat drastic....but still...what the heck...i dont need to sit thru 3 hrs of undergrad labs....i dont need to answer same questions again n again...i dont need to spend hours racking my brains trying to figure out whats been scribbled....but again this has its own pros and cons...the email says...u mus be able to work fulltime in the lab...read as where is the ________ antibody dat ur trying to isolate?
all said and done...i feel really good to be an RA..even though this may not be permanent.........my my!!jus 2 letters...still....what an impact they have.....

to live once more

2006-01-28T09:17:00.000-08:00

I wonder…
How is it that every time I fall
I still am on my feet again
Dragging myself on….
Once
Twice….
Every time I lose my balance
The wounds hurt
They are there…telling me dat its not a horrid dream
The scars keep reminding me
The pain gets deeper every time
Until it makes me numb

I fear
That I shall remain unheard
That in yearning I have begun to mourn
That hope has shown me the door to perdition
That I shall always spread out my hands in despair
Only to get disillusioned to see them empty and listless
That life is now a moribund journey

I feel
That trust is elusive
Like a mirage in the hot deserts
It deceives you and leads u into a world of desolation
That love is always beyond my reach
And shall laugh at me condescendingly
Knowing that it shall never be a part of me

I feel
Cold water on my skin sting like bees
A lump in my throat everytime I swallow
An emptiness growing all around me
That my memory is like a thorn pricking me forever
Making me bleed, cry out silently
In the darkness, in the gloominess
I don’t see any light….no end for the tunnel that I am in now

Ice cold
Tired weary and consumed
I am still groping in the dark

And yet……
I long
To be touched
By a hand so like mine
Scarred, wounded, bleeding and ugly
Yet Strong with all the endurance
To forget the burden that my feet carry
To laugh, to cry, to smile, to sing, to dance
To trust once more
To love once more
To live once more

so much for alzheimer's

2006-01-26T17:17:00.001-08:00

I just cant make myself remember where i leave my keys.....datz something i really want to keep in my mind...but hey theres so much of useless data crammed up instead....like for instance...this girl who was 3 yrs senior at school in kalpakkam who btw is doing a phd too, came to my house when i was in class 7....and dat was when we used up the lil bit of carbon dioxide left in the sodamaker to mix the last drink ...which we gave her!!!!!i remember every girl's face at the coaching classes i attended ...in fact i could recognise most of them in some of their snaps!!!!i can vividly recollect the pride with which i recited the pledge at my school assembly in the first standard ...and this gave me a letter from the education officer for tamil nadu.....telling my parents how proud they shud be to have a daughter like me!!!and i guess it is stuck to the last page of the roget's thesaurus at home....i remember the story of the flying palenquin that i read in one of the tinkle comics on my journey to vizag in class 4.....and the way my friend returned 25 paise for the sweets i had given her for my bday....apparently bcz we had a fight n she hated me! the way i caught our chowkidar making out near the principal's office on sunday morning( ok prob datz a bit difficult to push out) the 10pm-4am sessions of olympiad math( ok this doesnt fit in exactly either)...and oh! the way pepe said ill beat u hollow at the quiz this time:) ..... the way i took sweets from both candidates contesting for the post of school pupil leader and didnt go to vote ( this was in class 2)...this takes the cake..i did not know how to say "i wanna use the bathroom" in german...this was when i was 2.5 yrs old and we were in Germany....and my mom taught me dat the first thing, the day she found out dat i had a serious problem at pre-school because of dat...and the guy "geli" who used to bully me when i was in pre-school....the snow white crown which i wore for the fancy dress contest there......the party where this horrid german guy kept asking me what i wanted n i almost suffocated thanks to the smell of raw meat every time he spoke......i think i have this excess supply of acetylcholine in my brain....something like the akshayapatram dat they talk of in hindu mythology....basically u remove stuff n it fills up again....an eternal supply of neurotransmitter......and the irony is dat im working on something related to alzheimer's disease.....ha....

sex and bacteria

2006-01-22T15:30:00.000-08:00

Bacteria do have sex….well yeah it’s a crude and very primitive technique but still the basic idea is pretty much the same…u have one cell donating its DNA and the other receiving it..they build a bridge which is a route to transfer the genetic material….pretty much the only distinction between a male and a female organism is to find which is the donor and which is the recipient…..And well they keep traveling at 50 kmph even when they attempt conjugation…so well its an on the run task like anything else and probably that’s why there is a good chance that they miss it.
Even more interesting is the fact that different species can mate too….some form of inter caste marriages I guess! Well… there is one thing that I can say quite vehemently…they are a bloody stubborn species and very fussy too….They need a perfect environment to thrive…by this I mean the salts, sugars and other solutions must all be of accurate amounts and ratios and even the pH has to be within this range…..and oh! the temperature cannot just be too low or too high….they don’t care whether its winter or summer…seasons don’t matter to most of them when they engage themselves in such intimate exercises…..they always need this congenial atmosphere…..except a few who adapt themselves to hot springs n so on…..and so we must have these contraptions that maintain constant temperatures in our labs….Its like you give them good food ….a nice little party…and coax them to listen to you….basically you grow them in some dumb medium and they need to be stirred continuously and hence you end up using the “shaker”!!!!!For over three months I am struggling to grow them and eventually get something from them….but they seem to be choosy about who handles them as well! Now who wants this new confused and nervous nut to handle us- they say….and so they don’t co-operate…learn missy learn… Hey! don’t u dare handle us so roughly! You are so inexperienced and we will never grow in your hands.. It’s a matter of pride and dignity when we have an expert taking us through this entire journey…so until you get there we shall make it tough for you….
Oh how I wish they had balls…I would have kicked them….and as for the females…oh well…I presume that they will die soon without their faithful companions anyways….

A thing of beauty is a joy forever

2006-01-17T19:11:00.000-08:00

A thing of beauty is a joy forever…..I can vouch for that definitely….. the inexplicable joy that u experience when u discover beauty ..in any form …something that can never be lost…its all yours ….well yes…its good to be possessive sometimes! No one can snatch this away from you………….
That moment when the 8000 feet deep grand canyon looms in front of you in subtle shades of red,yellow and brown….the sanguine sunset scene thanks to the iron that is so abundant in the canyon rocks….and the few priceless moments when you can actually hear the river Colorado gurgling down there….as if it were chagrined at the noise the stupid little homo sapiens were making after trespassing into forbidden lands….
More recently, it has been the breathtaking scenery at the foot of the Appalachian mountains in Alabama. One of the mountains itself is appropriately named “ The lookout mountain” and the view is a phantasm all along the trail….on one side there is the lake…so placid and still.On the other side, one marvel’s at the deep gorge and the water gushing and pulling along with it, anything that is in its way; with a ruthless velocity that it has acquired thanks to its kinetic energy after the cascading fall. Tranquility juxtaposed with tempestuousness.
With a burst of enthusiasm and a childish urge to break the rules, you go over the railing and get as close as you dare…..the water sprays on your face….just like the little sprinklers back home…..eyes closed and its as if ur cleansing your mind, body and soul….washing away all the dirt and muck that has covered you from head to toe and hidden you….when inhibitions are lost….u break out free at last….with tears of joy…of contentment…..rejuvinating yourself with the energy and freshness that circumscribes you….invigorating urself…all ready to face the shit and the despair once again….moments of ecstatic pleasure….rare times, when the randomness that is within you can be defined as just a delta quantity….and as always thou shall not take pity that I was alone…hell no!!! There is nothing called loneliness if you make solitude your companion.

painting

2006-01-13T15:39:00.000-08:00

Life is
But a play of colors
a mixture of emotions and feelings
a canvas that is waiting to be painted

and

you

are the artist painting it....

take control of it.....

grab those brushes ;your mind and your heart
you have a whole range of colors to choose from
colors of joy, sorrow, fear, satisfaction,anticipation
divinity,peace,love, hatred, beauty

the more the variety of colors,
the fuller the composition

you may choose to be a da vinci with great attention to detail and paint a conventional canvas
or you may very well be a renoir and paint the impressionist way ..a painting full of sparkle and life.....ordinary ...yet extraordinary in its own way
or probably the surreal Dali....something that is not realistic....
or better still
find you own distinctive style....

its no good being afraid
to try out new styles or combinations
after all it’s a mutation that leads to evolution

something

2006-01-10T11:19:00.000-08:00

came across a few lines dat i felt were worth mentioning:-

What the caterpillar calls the end,The world calls a butterfly

All things flourish and each returns to its root. Returning to the root is called quietude. Quietude is called returning to life

Life down there is just a strange illusion

Never doubt that Fate is keeping Future good for present ill

Hope
Pray
Win

shades of grey

2006-01-07T13:34:00.000-08:00

Trudging along, I see myself moving farther away
Now it all seems so distant; Oh! Why have I gone astray?
All I can see ahead of me are shades of grey .....

It is a path that hasn’t been trodden upon; they say,
But I hope that it will all come right some day
All i can see ahead of me are shades of grey....

the new year wish

2005-12-30T14:41:00.000-08:00

Its funny how people think that they can just send a one liner and be happy that they have done their job...yeah i open my mail n find dozens of these mails....well i must accept that i end up doing that sometimes.....the point is.....why do u have to pretend to do something and be half hearted about it when u might as well stay away from such a thing......then again, one would argue saying that there are somethings that have to be done even against your wishes....yeah probably...otherwise would i even dream that i would watch the cartoon beauty and the beast?ha.....but also, isnt it a well known fact that if there is no pain there is no gain...so i guess, to actually do something that u love...u end up doing something that u would prefer keeping away from urself.....there is no fun or no appreciation for the value if u succeed in achieving what u want to, without much ado....probably i must say that its the exhaustion that gives me the "high"...so mebbe its better to get disillusioned a dozen times and settle for a dozen missed calls before u actually listen to someone speak.....and it is but human tendency to take for granted the good times and amplify those which are not so.... its a bit scary that a seemingly harmless new year wish can trigger such a random train of thought.....

why am i doing this?

2005-12-24T20:15:00.000-08:00

it was an impulsive decision...to take a break...from the mundane... from the monotony.... from 306,univ crossroads;from the "living in the dungeon" thing...as my roommate's atthai said...its a chance to meet different people...a chance to see a lot of places....yeah i agree..so i guess i have to pull myself and get things together.....cannot escape a few things...

The Sandclock

2005-12-23T12:33:00.000-08:00

I somehow have this vision that keeps recurring in my mind….i even tried to sketch it but couldn’t bring it down on paper that well….…I am inside this sandclock.I kinda like to envisage this as something that keeps a measure of my time….and something that’s been going ever since I was born….its an event that I cannot control…inevitable…….and I am there right in the middle of the glass…with eyes that so resemble what surrounds me …I am engrossed in my endeavor to stop the sand from flowing…trying hard to push it back. Needless to say I am quite aware that it is a futile attempt…is it my weakness then, that I want to stop this? I guess that’s where the vulnerable me surfaces…everytime I used to sit on the beach I would wonder…what if that wave hadn’t kissed the sands and wetted my feet…what if it just receded back and never came rushing towards me, as it did just moments before….what if things were not what they are now…..if only my choices had been different…if only i had learnt from the past.....looking back is a terrifying experience …most often it has these unwanted by products with it….one is definitely regret…. And isn’t there something like a desired outcome? Well yeah…if only one could learn from one’s mistakes …..easier said than done huh?….and what astonishes me the most is what I see when I look back…perhaps if I had a number tag on me for the purpose of identification,that would be the only thing to remain invariant….
oh my sweet n wretched memory...thou art my friend and my foe… thou shall not do this to me…..or mebbe I must say: I shall not let you do this to me…. let bygones be bygones
Moral of the story????
AN IDLE MIND IS A DEVIL’S WORKSHOP

Hail HBO

2005-12-22T16:30:00.000-08:00

Its an acronym that can be quite beguiling…..yeah… but I guess it has been something that one often hears out here…at least I have- in the past six months. When I first heard the letters “HBO”, I was jubilant because I was transported back to my lazy days in kalpakkam and those long hours at home, when I was a permanent fixture on the couch thanks to the Home Box Office channel…but hey! this is something that’s so much not related to the movie channel….well yeah, weird that it might sound… this actually expands to “Honey Bunches of Oats”. This is bizarre, but I was totally taken aback by the amount of importance given to these three letters by one of my neighbours….he walks into our apartment and after singing praises in the name of these cereals,exclaims that he would form a community on the orkut website; which by the way, is one of the innumerable websites designed to waste your time in such a manner wherein you are under this illusion that you aren’t doing precisely that…. and this community would be for people who adore HBO like him. At 12 in the night, he cycles about a mile or more and braves the chill mountain winds just to procure another huge king size packet of this damn cereal. The satisfaction on his face when he is done with the day’s quota of HBO consumption, is a treat to the eyes. It amazes me as to how something so inconsequential and insignificant to me actually matters so much to him. He claims that he cannot do without it even for a single day. Boy,does he worship it!!!The Taj Mahal was built by emperor Shah Jahan in memory of his beloved and I am quite certain that my neighbour would have absolutely no qualms in doing the same thing for these stupid corn flakes. Life is like that.

My creation

2005-12-19T18:16:00.000-08:00

Its my passion…my love…my life ….my everything ….. just half an inch of camel hair stuck to a piece of wood….but with a palette of colors and a canvas added to it, im just transported into a new dimension….its a world that is so different…..something that makes me want to dance……there are no restrictions …absolutely no limitations…you just let yourself loose essentially….the best part is that you have no laws, no theorems, no proofs and no set of rules that kinda hold u back……I am afraid I cant explain the feeling really….of creating something…..of expressing what you feel through such a medium….the whole process begins with this sudden motivation to sketch or paint or doodle even…..and there is this blank piece of paper that im staring at….thinking… what the heck! what am I gonna do? Would I rather stare at a white sheet of paper? But then ..i know- my hands cannot stay away for long….and I begin my tryst with the paints and my canvas….i dabble for a long time….more often the strokes are meaningless and all people can see is a kaleidoscope of colors….or probably different shades of grey and black….i don’t really expect them to fathom that every picture tells a story. Once they actually connect to it and try to understand what it depicts, they will truly appreciate it. Probably its the mystery behind the piece of art that adds to its beauty.

A product of contemplation

2005-12-16T10:43:00.000-08:00

Ere the birth of my life, if I wished it or no
No question was asked me--it could not be so !
If the life was the question, a thing sent to try
And to live on be YES; what can NO be ? to die.

At 1 am in the morning, I hit upon these 4 lines and suddenly I could just hear myself exclaim – I know!!!!. They say that I lead a life without restrictions and that every decision I make is out of my own free will. But isn’t this the most important choice? I would say that this is the biggest deception that we haven’t been able to see through…. Why wasn’t I asked if I wanted "the red pill or the blue pill"? The significance of making choices is lost when the all important one is just thrust upon you. When I was five years old, I remember my mother holding my hands and looking into my eyes while saying-" stay the same". I wonder if I could retort back saying- how I wish I had known that this was much more than just years getting accrued. There were times when a walk to school in the drizzle was all I needed to invigorate myself. There was a time when the star spangled sky gave me hope….hope that just like those countless stars out there….i will be able to stay and overcome anything that came my way….there were times when the chirping of birds felt like music in my ears and made me hum….wait a minute…didn’t someone say that no one can ever teach you how to be happy?…its something that you learn all by yourself…. Yeah that is what life is all about…a journey in search of the ultimate, inexplicable, infinitely complex and yet seemingly elementary sensation which we call “happiness”.